Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Feeling At Home

This place hasn't felt like home for a while. I felt like I was just plodding along; typing words because I had to.

Then a new name hit me, like a tonne of bricks.

the brightest spark

It was available and I knew it was a sign. So I bought it and set to work on creating a new space for myself.

That new space will be it. No others.

If it doesn't work out, then it means I am just not a blogger anymore.

I'm okay with that.

I hope that you will follow me over there.


Saturday, August 17, 2013

I Came Here To Blog

And then I sit here with a blank screen.

And then I type out all the words to what I want to say to you all, sharing my world with you, and then I stop, select it all and delete it.

The screen is then blank again and I am left wondering what I should share. If you will like what I am writing or if no one will read it and I am just talking to myself again.

So then I start typing, but it doesn't come out how I wanted it to, or it isn't long enough. So I select it all and hit delete.

That damn blank screen is there again. And I wonder if it is me. If it is because I can't concentrate because I have too many thoughts racing through my head that it is just too much at the moment to sit and try and write about my day, when all I want to tell you is that I want to curl up into a ball and forget that the world exists.

But then that is me being dark and twisty. Me being something no one really knows I am, unless they get to know me. Unless they are on the receiving end of my rants. Unless they are the one who picks up the phone to listen as I let out all the thoughts that are in my head.

My head isn't a very positive place to be. It is negative and dark in there. Very dark. Anything positive is quickly ripped away and made negative.

During the day, I am acting happy and normal. But I'm not. I am so far from it. I am not normal and this depression is beginning to consume me.

I start typing again, explaining to you all that I am beginning to think I need a break from social media, that it just isn't helping me. That I don't feel like anyone is listening and it fuels my negativity in my head. But then I know I will upset people, and I don't want to do that but I feel that it needs to be said.

So I am beginning to wonder if I just stop for a little while and see how my life goes without blogging and facebook and twitter. I wonder if my life would become a little more positive.

I would have normally hit select all, and deleted the page again. But I think these are words that I need to get out. To get a little more space in my head.

Because my head is so very full with thoughts.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

My Happiness;

I know, it has been a while between posts. I am so bad at blogging at the moment. I guess doing it for over five years has left me wondering if this is something I want to do anymore.

Anyways, I thought that I would update you all on my happiness front, for those of you that are concerned.

I have officially been diagnosed with chronic depression.
I have been to see a psychologist, once I go back again for appointment number two tomorrow afternoon after work.
I am not on medication, yet. But have been told that in three months if nothing has changed then I will be.
I am low in B12, but am taking tablets to add to this. I will have these levels checked in three months to see if they are back up yet.

And that's it.

My psychologist is lovely. I spent almost an hour talking about myself, venting and ranting to someone other than James or my friend from work and it felt nice not to have to burden them with my issues. I almost broke down in tears, twice. She commented that she would not have known I scored so highly on the DASS21 for depression as I do not look depressed. She explained that I am able to hide it well.

Which I guess could be a worrying thing because then how does anyone know how bad it really is?

Gossip is beginning to circulate around work, but I don't have the energy to bother with it. I am just trying to stay on top of everything and love the children with all my heart, because they are the reason that I am there.

I have noticed that I am coming home of a night time and am snapping at James which really upsets me. I don't want to argue with him from the moment I get home to the moment I go to bed. I guess the good thing is that I know that he loves me and that he is doing everything possible for me to get my happy back. He really is.

But I have come to the conclusion that the reason I come home and snap is because I am putting on my act of happy whilst I am at work and so when I get home it is a release, I can finally relax. I guess that isn't a good thing.

And so, at the end of this year the biggest decision for my life at the moment will have to be made.