Who Am I?

I am a woman, I suppose. Or am I still a girl. When does that change even make itself known?

There are times when I think I know exactly who I am and then there are times when my world feels like it is falling apart and I know nothing about myself.

I have issues with my body image. It is not as simple as losing weight to feel better. I need to stop thinking negatively about myself. It is not something that has just happened, it has been something that I have been doing to myself for years, something that I have been bullied for and picked on over the years. I am working on it.

I have a great job. I love what I do for work. Sure there are days when I sit and wonder what the hell I am doing, but then there are the great days when I know this is exactly where I need to be.

I have a boyfriend who I love and who I know makes me a better person. I love everything about him, and I love that when I am with him he does everything possible to make me smile or laugh. He makes me talk about things that are getting me down. And he gives me the best cuddles.

I have nightmares most nights. But I also have very vivid dreams.

I love shopping a little too much. James seems to be under the impression that I am addicted, he could be right. I get a happiness and thrill when making a purchase, it is nice. The debt that has come with it, isn't so nice.

I want to be a mother. There are times when I cannot wait to be a mother, but then there are times when knowing that I will be responsible for another person, all the time, scares the shit out of me.

I have a great memory. I used to be able to recall visuals, now it is slowly disappearing, I guess I just don't use that side of it enough.

I am not always happy. There are times when I just want to sit and cry and forget it all. But there are also times when I am happier beyond belief.

I don't miss high school. The bullying, the isolation and the torment that happened is something I never want to think about ever again.

I need to have something playing in the background while working; I always work best with the television on. Music doesn't work because I start singing along.

I hate that I don't have my own dad in the picture. I know that I shouldn't worry about it because I have my little sister's dad, but he isn't my dad. It upsets me to know that he will never know that I finished university, or be there for anything in the future.

I am loud, but I am not always confident.

I believe that ice cream solves all problems; especially mine. But hey, if there isn't ice cream around, chocolate makes a great substitute.